A simple guide for adults to help children understand death

One of the most difficult situations adults have to face is telling children that someone they love has died. We worry that they won't understand, or that they will be emotionally devastated, and we automatically want to protect them from hurt.

In fact children handle death very well - often much better than adults do - and in reality, they may be more hurt, more frightened and more resentful if we exclude them from our pain or try to cover it up. Children need to say goodbye to a loved one too. They also need to be included in the family's grief so they don't feel rejected and left out of a family occasion.

They must be told as soon as possible that a person they care about has died, preferably by a parent or someone very close. They need to be told the truth, not half-truths or fairy stories which will only confuse them and may have adverse emotional effects later in life.


Many people find comfort in religious beliefs and these may help the children if they are already living in a religious atmosphere within the family. What and how we tell the children depends entirely on their age and the level of their understanding.

Very young children have no real concept of the finality of death. They see cartoon films in which their favorite characters are blown to pieces, crushed, run over or fall off a cliff and then two seconds later, the same characters re-surface alive and well for some more adventure.

But when it is personal, small children do feel loss
and grief and they can still understand sadness. They need to know that it's alright to feel sad. They need lots of hugs and kisses and reassurances that everyone else is still there and that it wasn't their fault the person died.

We need to be very gentle and always honest in answering any questions they may have like:

"What does dead mean"
Dead means that the life has gone and the body that is left can no longer do all the normal things like walking and talking, eating and sleeping, laughing and crying. The body can no longer think or feel, and in the case of someone who died after a painful illness, there is no more pain.

"Why do we die"
The simplest explanation is that all living things on this earth die - it is a part of the life cycle. It can be compared to flowers in the garden - they start off as a bud, they grow and blossom into a flower, then the petals fall off and the flower dies when its time for living is over.

It's the same with people. We are born as babies, we grow up into children and adults, then grow old and die when our time for living is over. It is a normal part of life and it is alright to feel sad about someone dying.

Animals also make good comparisons, particularly if the child has a pet that has died or has found a dead bird in the garden. It makes us sad when an animal dies and it's okay to feel sad.

It may help to explain that, although most people don't die until they are quite old, sometimes younger grown-ups and even children might have
an accident or illness and die. Even though the doctors and nurses try their very best, they are unable to make them well again.

It is wise to simply and honestly answer children's questions as they ask them and not to go into long explanations. Don't be surprised if small children keep coming back and asking the same questions over and over again. Repetition is essential to help them understand.

Children in this age group react to death in many of the same ways as adults do. They feel shock and anger, they may deny the death has occurred, they blame other people for the death or feel guilty for not "being good" to the person who died.

One of the major problems for them is that they don't understand their own moods, and may regress to thumb-sucking or bed-wetting. They may become aggressive with play-mates, destroy their toys or throw tantrums.

Children's grief can manifest itself in many different ways, so it is a good idea to let them see that we are grieving too and share our tears with them. Let them know they don't "have to be brave" and it's okay to talk about someone who has died. Children this age can be very curious about the physical aspects of death and funerals and their questions should be answered truthfully so that the fear of the unknown is eliminated.

"What happens to the body?"
They should be told gently what to expect at the viewing and funeral and encouraged to attend so that they can say their goodbyes too.
It may help to explain that the real person (or the soul of the person) they loved has left the body (or the "house" in which it lived while it was here) and gone to the place that God has appointed for him or her.
All that is left is the body "house" which no longer has any life and is cold to touch.

"What is the difference between cremation and burial?"
Out of respect for the real person who was once alive, the body "house" is gently placed in a coffin and either buried or cremated.

With burial the coffin is lowered into the ground and covered, the body "house" gradually wears away until all that is left is bones in the ground. With cremation, the coffin is carefully burned in a special kiln until all that is left are small pieces of bones which are then placed in an urn. This can be kept by the family or disposed of according to the wishes of the deceased and their family.

Whatever the questions children ask, honesty and simplicity are the keys to helping them with their grief. It is a good idea to ask them if what you have told them answered their question or would they like to know any more. Reassure them that they can always come back later and ask any questions. And if you don't know the answer to a question, don't be afraid to say so. Parents are human too and don't always have the answers.

At this point, we are unable to hold in the intense emotion which the loss has created and it is natural for that emotion to find release through crying.

Many men find it difficult to cry because they have been brought up to believe that it isn't "manly". But holding in our emotions can make the recovery process more difficult.

Almost everyone feels this loneliness, a sense of complete separation from the person who is no longer alive. We feel really low in spirits and don't know what to do or where to go to find relief.

It is important to realize that this is normal. It's alright to feel low and alone; even if we have plenty of family and friends around to support us.

The friendship and pleasures which we shared with the deceased pre-occupy us - nothing else seems to give us comfort!

Many people fear that they may be going "crazy" with their grief, but knowing that this is a normal human reaction which is part of the recovery process will help us through this pain.

Now is the time to reach out to other people - it's not that easy to do but it is important to
keep trying.

Many people closely involved with a person who was ill for some time before death,
can find themselves emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

For many there is a feeling of relief that the deceased's pain and suffering has finally ended. It's alright to feel relieved - it's quite normal. We can accept that relief without feeling guilty.

At last life becomes bearable again and we can "re-join the human race' , although we will never be the same as before.

It is now important to have enough self-esteem to recognize our own capabilities and strengths, as well as having faith in others to help us cope.

Grieving people need someone to listen, and all the care, encouragement and support they can get to help them re-establish their lives.

Some of their most important needs are:

	the need to feel SUPPORT
	the need to express FEELINGS
	the need to move towards RE-ESTABLISHIMENT and GO ON LIVING

In other words, TO HELP A FRIEND IN GRIEF, we need to be:

	AWARE - working through grief is a normal and necessary part of life that can take an average of 2-5 years to work though.
	THERE - we can't solve this problem, but just being around to listen and provide support will help.
	SENSITIVE - our friends have suffered a deep loss, even if we don't see it as such. We need to journey with them through their pain, not try to take it away.
	HUMAN - we need to allow our friends to openly express all their feelings without judging them. Nobody has to justify their feelings - they are quite normal!
	READY - to listen when the story is told over and over again. Talking about the deceased by name is a vital step towards recovery.
	PATIENT - mourning the loss of a loved one take; time.